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What dissociation feels like

 My brain is throbbing again, a dull, aching pain seems to be forming behind my left eye and I feel disconnected from my body. It feels like my head is overwhelmed with stimuli and is now too tired to feel any bodily sensations. It is similar to having an out of body feeling yet it is less pleasant. Borderline agonizing, to tell the truth. It makes me want to rip out my hair and and massage my brain and comfort it and tell myself that we are going to be okay. We will get through this too and this too shall pass. I remind myself of the ordeals I have been through, the challenges I have overcome and remember the determination I have shown at almost every point in my life. I remind myself that I love myself and that compassion is the only way through this, not logic, not reason and definitely not being hard on myself. 

“Deep breathing, take a deep breath“, the boy keeps muttering to himself in an almost chanting way. Anxiety is not an easy demon to tame. The boy gets up and starts browsing clothes in his cupboard. He finally decides on a pair of shorts, bright yellow and a t shirt black in color and starts to mentally prepare to head for a walk. The mind needs to be calmed and clearly sitting around is not helping, he says to himself. 

He heads out, massaging his neck and shoulders, trying to get some semblance of feeling back in his body. His brain is still throbbing, yet he starts to feel better. The blood is no longer rushing to his head and has now found other routes to flow through. He keeps muttering and finally takes a deep breath, the kind that livens up a spirit. It enriches his lungs, expands his abdomen and he finally starts to feel like himself again. He had been trying for a breath like this for the last hour yet it was something about the fresh morning that just hit differently. He hums to himself as he casually strolls across the street, heading towards the park. The park is a 30 minute walk from his apartment and he doesn't really mind. Walks normally help clear up his head and push his anxieties out and on top of that, wasn't it Nietzsche who said “ All great ideas are had while walking”. He had been reading a lot of philosophy lately and was finding Nietzsche and Kafka’s philosophies really appealing.

As he took another deep breath, he looked at the trees lining the sidewalk, taking in their majestic beauty. They were towering, 15 foot trees and seemed to have endured a lifetime. He heard the birds chirping their tune, and for some time he tried to hum in sync with them. As he strolled further, a car whizzed past him, stealing a moment of his attention. The city was slowly walking up just like a groggy child wakes up from sleep. He could see some shop keepers cleaning the areas outside their stores, a waiter was cleaning a restaurants windows and he could almost see the city yawn and stretch and gasp. It would not be long before the streets would be awash with cars and bikes and children heading to school and people rushing to their offices. Even though he enjoyed watching people hurry and like noticing people run off to their jobs or whatever they did, he never really enjoyed the anxieties that were seeming an integral part of that fast paced life. Even when he was working the traditional 9 to 5, he never enjoyed hurrying and there was something about pushing yourself to do something that doesn't connect with the essence of your being that he couldn't really swallow. He didn't know how everyone else did it; maybe they were stronger than he was, maybe a more wholesome childhood or maybe they were just used to being disconnected with their hearts and minds and bodies. 


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